grit my teeth and force a smile.
Argh sometimes I hate you so much. This sudden fleeting burning spark.
You're doing it on purpose I know. You try to invite me to do things when I shouldn't be doing them. That's when I hate you most. You're like a snake in the meadow. You irritate and disgust me.
You're doing it on purpose I know. You try to invite me to do things when I shouldn't be doing them. That's when I hate you most. You're like a snake in the meadow. You irritate and disgust me.
Tonight I thought of you.
The house was silent as I stepped out of another of my late night showers at 4 in the morning. I turned to turn off the bathroom light and in that instant my back was facing the dark upstairs hall. At that very moment I was shaken from the slight trance that I was in and the hairs on the back of my neck rose.
I often take showers late at night. Sometimes I don't spook myself out; I'm just not scared of anything appearing or whatever. Sometimes I go through the whole shower covered in goosebumps, not from the cold, but from being creeped out and imagining (or not?) that I am being watched.
Sometimes -- and tonight, this was the case -- I totally forget to be spooked, not because I was brave, but because my thoughts were occupied. Tonight, they were occupied by you. I was thinking about the first time I met you and the times you sat next to me talking about random stuff, whiling the time away till our next lecture. I found it funny that I'd actually met you on the first week of uni, in one of the tutorials that we had together, and that you'd said something to me. I remember thinking that you were pretty cute, but that was it; I think guys are cute all the time. But then we had mutual friends and so on and suddenly there was that few conversations together and that one time we spent walking around the mall...and suddenly my mind was hooked on you, the way it is now. I'm such a sucker, seriously, because the slightest things can tip the scale over from you being just someone I know from uni, to someone I think about so much. Checking back our conversation history, I realised that so many times you've initiated conversation that I let fizzle out because I just wasn't into you enough to let it go on. Now I want more of those conversations.
I don't know what is this attraction I feel for you. I've told you once you'd be the perfect older brother -- the older brother I've always wanted would be just like you. But really, I think that you'd be an awesome boyfriend as well. Well, minus your tendency to only be awake at odd hours.
So anyway, tonight I was spared from mental stress, thanks to you and my heart is all a-flutter right now thinking of you. Your conversation window is blinking orange on my taskbar now so I shall stop this weird post and get back to you. (:
Ah another fickle hearted crush. How long will you last, before you join the legions of 'you's from my past and undoubtedly my futures 'you's.
I often take showers late at night. Sometimes I don't spook myself out; I'm just not scared of anything appearing or whatever. Sometimes I go through the whole shower covered in goosebumps, not from the cold, but from being creeped out and imagining (or not?) that I am being watched.
Sometimes -- and tonight, this was the case -- I totally forget to be spooked, not because I was brave, but because my thoughts were occupied. Tonight, they were occupied by you. I was thinking about the first time I met you and the times you sat next to me talking about random stuff, whiling the time away till our next lecture. I found it funny that I'd actually met you on the first week of uni, in one of the tutorials that we had together, and that you'd said something to me. I remember thinking that you were pretty cute, but that was it; I think guys are cute all the time. But then we had mutual friends and so on and suddenly there was that few conversations together and that one time we spent walking around the mall...and suddenly my mind was hooked on you, the way it is now. I'm such a sucker, seriously, because the slightest things can tip the scale over from you being just someone I know from uni, to someone I think about so much. Checking back our conversation history, I realised that so many times you've initiated conversation that I let fizzle out because I just wasn't into you enough to let it go on. Now I want more of those conversations.
I don't know what is this attraction I feel for you. I've told you once you'd be the perfect older brother -- the older brother I've always wanted would be just like you. But really, I think that you'd be an awesome boyfriend as well. Well, minus your tendency to only be awake at odd hours.
So anyway, tonight I was spared from mental stress, thanks to you and my heart is all a-flutter right now thinking of you. Your conversation window is blinking orange on my taskbar now so I shall stop this weird post and get back to you. (:
Ah another fickle hearted crush. How long will you last, before you join the legions of 'you's from my past and undoubtedly my futures 'you's.
I suck at this relationship thing
Okay now, first up, the thought of falling in love, I find it scary. It makes you vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable, the same way I hate being humiliated or feeling inadequate or insecure. That's why I hold back and don't extend too much. Cuz it exposes me. That's why I don't tell people my plans and hopes and dreams - by telling them, I am making it known that this is something I hope for, and just by letting people know...I am vulnerable to people knowing if I fail.
Yeah, I guess it's pretty chronic, my aversion to being vulnerable. Even with friends, I don't share with everyone. I hardly share my feelings with people...and when I do, I try to make sure they are randomly selected people. I don't have a best friend, cuz calling someone your best friend would mean that you share everything between you and your best friend. I don't like that; I don't like that someone knows everything about me. It's not safe. It's like that idiom about putting all your eggs in one basket. Once the basket falls, all your eggs are destroyed, cracked open on the hard floor, the insides running out...when that happens, it's too late and all you can do is despair.
And thus, I wonder when will I get over this fear, to let myself trust. If I don't trust, how will I fall in love.
***
Maybe the reason why I haven't thought too much about relationships is because I didn't want to realise, as I have, that I am selfish. And because I don't like feeling lost and overwhelmed. Apparently, it's really simple. Maybe it is, and if it really IS, then I possess the tendency to make things harder than it should be.
I don't like realising that if I could get what I want, I'd have lots of warm bodies without the tiresome complications of feelings and obligations and a dozen other things that '-ships' entail. The funny thing is, while that's how I'd like things to be like - easy - this way of easy is not what I want...at all. I could pretend that I don't mind easy, but I do. Wtf am I even talking about.
I'm really bad at this. Can't I just kiss you? And there I go again. Future beloved special someone, expect lots of make-up sex...or silence. Hot cold hot cold.
***
I am now wary of getting into relationships. One thing I've noticed about myself is once I get myself into one, I pull back emotionally. Cuz even the step of getting into a relationship has unnerved me, and I feel too close to that person...making me pull back. Touch me not.
***
I was someone's girlfriend once. I was bad at it.
***
I'm sorry, then and also now.
Yeah, I guess it's pretty chronic, my aversion to being vulnerable. Even with friends, I don't share with everyone. I hardly share my feelings with people...and when I do, I try to make sure they are randomly selected people. I don't have a best friend, cuz calling someone your best friend would mean that you share everything between you and your best friend. I don't like that; I don't like that someone knows everything about me. It's not safe. It's like that idiom about putting all your eggs in one basket. Once the basket falls, all your eggs are destroyed, cracked open on the hard floor, the insides running out...when that happens, it's too late and all you can do is despair.
And thus, I wonder when will I get over this fear, to let myself trust. If I don't trust, how will I fall in love.
***
Maybe the reason why I haven't thought too much about relationships is because I didn't want to realise, as I have, that I am selfish. And because I don't like feeling lost and overwhelmed. Apparently, it's really simple. Maybe it is, and if it really IS, then I possess the tendency to make things harder than it should be.
I don't like realising that if I could get what I want, I'd have lots of warm bodies without the tiresome complications of feelings and obligations and a dozen other things that '-ships' entail. The funny thing is, while that's how I'd like things to be like - easy - this way of easy is not what I want...at all. I could pretend that I don't mind easy, but I do. Wtf am I even talking about.
I'm really bad at this. Can't I just kiss you? And there I go again. Future beloved special someone, expect lots of make-up sex...or silence. Hot cold hot cold.
***
I am now wary of getting into relationships. One thing I've noticed about myself is once I get myself into one, I pull back emotionally. Cuz even the step of getting into a relationship has unnerved me, and I feel too close to that person...making me pull back. Touch me not.
***
I was someone's girlfriend once. I was bad at it.
***
I'm sorry, then and also now.
New Year's Eve - Self-Evaluation and Resolutions.
Well its 31st December 2008. The last day of 2008. One whole year has gone by again, so fast. So fast...
This year definitely isn't a year that I would want to relive. It was so full of insecurities, not knowing who my friends are, realizing that I've lost some of the friends who matter, turning into someone I didn't like, disappointments, loneliness...and gosh, so much more.
Of course, there are still the good parts. My family, my good grades (one of the few things that was good about first year of college .___.), the few times I enjoyed with friends (although I'm almost friendless now~).
It wouldn't be right to try and find someone to blame for having such a bad year. Maybe I have to change the type of person that I am now. I swear I hate myself so bad sometimes, because I do things that I wouldn't like other people to do. But I seem to do it in reflex, defensively. For example, my secretiveness, my silly white lies. I'm sure I've hurt people because of it, and I have been ridiculed on more than one occasion. It makes it hurt more when it is being done behind my back.
I'm insensitive and yet too sensitive. I overthink situations and nuances, bringing it all into a negative light. I guess I do not make much effort to keep up with my friends or you know, keep up with the simple on-goings in their lives. I can't even remember birthdays. I can't help it. I'm not good at these things. But...maybe I've been self-centered, and too passive. Maybe I've been rude and.... I don't know what else.
Anyway, in the coming year 2009, I want to become a better person. Change and hopefully change the way my life is going. I really do want to salvage my friendships, but I don't know whether it is too late. No! This is not the right attitude, I should try to be positive. I will at least make an effort to mend them.
I want to be a better daughter, and continue being a good student, I should strive to be more outgoing and dynamic. Maybe it's time I retook some of the classes I used to take a few years earlier (the happy times). I need to improve on the whole, become a better individual. I need to learn more, and not just academically. I need to build myself.
These resolutions are daunting, as I am unsure what exactly needs to be done. But I will try. I hope for a great year 2009 for myself, and for everyone.
Goodbye 2008..
Happy New Year 2009!
This year definitely isn't a year that I would want to relive. It was so full of insecurities, not knowing who my friends are, realizing that I've lost some of the friends who matter, turning into someone I didn't like, disappointments, loneliness...and gosh, so much more.
Of course, there are still the good parts. My family, my good grades (one of the few things that was good about first year of college .___.), the few times I enjoyed with friends (although I'm almost friendless now~).
It wouldn't be right to try and find someone to blame for having such a bad year. Maybe I have to change the type of person that I am now. I swear I hate myself so bad sometimes, because I do things that I wouldn't like other people to do. But I seem to do it in reflex, defensively. For example, my secretiveness, my silly white lies. I'm sure I've hurt people because of it, and I have been ridiculed on more than one occasion. It makes it hurt more when it is being done behind my back.
I'm insensitive and yet too sensitive. I overthink situations and nuances, bringing it all into a negative light. I guess I do not make much effort to keep up with my friends or you know, keep up with the simple on-goings in their lives. I can't even remember birthdays. I can't help it. I'm not good at these things. But...maybe I've been self-centered, and too passive. Maybe I've been rude and.... I don't know what else.
Anyway, in the coming year 2009, I want to become a better person. Change and hopefully change the way my life is going. I really do want to salvage my friendships, but I don't know whether it is too late. No! This is not the right attitude, I should try to be positive. I will at least make an effort to mend them.
I want to be a better daughter, and continue being a good student, I should strive to be more outgoing and dynamic. Maybe it's time I retook some of the classes I used to take a few years earlier (the happy times). I need to improve on the whole, become a better individual. I need to learn more, and not just academically. I need to build myself.
These resolutions are daunting, as I am unsure what exactly needs to be done. But I will try. I hope for a great year 2009 for myself, and for everyone.
Goodbye 2008..
Happy New Year 2009!
Hello, today~
Just called two corporate companies,
to ask more information about the scholarships that they offer. Turns out that application is closed for this year (as expected, actually) and the next application date would start about February or March.
I've never paid attention to the need for scholarships, till now, when I really need one. Nor have I ever realized just how much I want to study in Australia, till I couldn'f afford to go. I-ro-ny~
Typical case of 'You don't miss the water til the well runs dry'.
Anyway, article still to be written. I've written a few words, trying to get my creative juices flowing, but ugh, I think I've become boring.
The article is heading in an entirely unpredictable way. In fact, I think its trying to turn itself into a Death Note fanfic. *gasp
* And I still have to turn it in by 11:59 pm tonight.
Mich called me this morning at about 11:30 am. Her call woke me up and my voice was all raspy, no thanks to sleeping at 5 am the night before. She's going to M.O.S. tonight and she's taking Steph, and wants to know if I want to come.
She's been in to M.O.S. before, although being 'tak cukup umur' 
I would like to go, but I don't think I quite like the idea of going there and trying to get past security.
I guess I'll just wait another year. BOO.
Hmm, I would like to go to OneU soon, or maybe to Times Square to do a bit of window-shopping and maybe, actually get some stuff. BUT~ I think I might have to settle my university stuff first. Oh well.
That's about it for now. Chu!
to ask more information about the scholarships that they offer. Turns out that application is closed for this year (as expected, actually) and the next application date would start about February or March.I've never paid attention to the need for scholarships, till now, when I really need one. Nor have I ever realized just how much I want to study in Australia, till I couldn'f afford to go. I-ro-ny~
Typical case of 'You don't miss the water til the well runs dry'.
Anyway, article still to be written. I've written a few words, trying to get my creative juices flowing, but ugh, I think I've become boring.
The article is heading in an entirely unpredictable way. In fact, I think its trying to turn itself into a Death Note fanfic. *gasp* And I still have to turn it in by 11:59 pm tonight.Mich called me this morning at about 11:30 am. Her call woke me up and my voice was all raspy, no thanks to sleeping at 5 am the night before. She's going to M.O.S. tonight and she's taking Steph, and wants to know if I want to come.
She's been in to M.O.S. before, although being 'tak cukup umur' I would like to go, but I don't think I quite like the idea of going there and trying to get past security.
I guess I'll just wait another year. BOO.Hmm, I would like to go to OneU soon, or maybe to Times Square to do a bit of window-shopping and maybe, actually get some stuff. BUT~ I think I might have to settle my university stuff first. Oh well.
That's about it for now. Chu!
